Monday, October 31, 2016

Peek A BOO!

Happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Can You Tie 'Em In A Bow?

Life is hard when your ears drag on the ground.  Doesn't mean it's not cute though.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

The Wicked Witch Of The East LIVES!

I got another "inmate" early last week.  Boo is adorable, a love bug, and an unrepentant biter.  Think the bunnies from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"Yes, I will bite your head off."
She actually sat on my lap and then decided to bite me on the face.  Why?  Because in her previous home she was terrorized by children and their grabby hands.

Over several days she started to act like the velociraptor from Jurassic Park: she systematically tested the fence for weaknesses.

On Monday I came home to this.

Can you see Boo in this picture?

Those are her legs sticking out from behind the futon.  She tried to escape while I wasn't home, jumped the fence, aimed wrong, and got stuck upside down between the futon and the wall.  All evidence points to her being stuck there for hours, like maybe 9 or 10.

I freaked.  Ask my parents.  I FUH-REAKED.

I had a dead rabbit in my guest room, of course I freaked!

Turns out though, Boo wasn't dead.

Cue more freaking.

She was injured so went back to the shelter for eval and treatment.  I got a text: "She's happy and eating".  Of course she's happy, she completed her escape!

Hairy Houdini post-magic trick
The shelter is convinced she is a superhero.  I'm convinced she's just planning her next prison break.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Crawl Before Ball

On Sunday I played my first hockey game.  Over the summer I slowly accumulated a full set of gear from free and cheap sources with the goal of playing for real somehow, somewhere.  With help from the director of the city's sports division, I got accepted as a sub in the local "organized no-check pick-up" league.  After nearly a year since my first lesson with the kids' class, blade finally met ice.  And then quickly, breezers, shoulder pads, helmet, and blood met ice.

I got my shit rocked - there is no other way to put it - three times.  The reality is that my spatial awareness and ability to stop on a dime are mutually exclusive right now.  Don't even ask about those combined with stick handling.  But the reality is also that my rink-mates' remain somewhat mutually exclusive as well.

The first time: I was coming across center ice looking right to watch for a breakout from a defensive play and so was someone else and we ran smack, stomach-to-stomach into each other - except I'm about 9 inches shorter.  All I saw was the crest on his jersey as I face planted into...honestly, his beer belly....and then, of course, nothing but lights.  His head snapped forward and between his visored helmet (no cage) and the top of my helmet, his nose got destroyed.  There was a fu manchu worth of blood.

The second time: I ran into the back of my teammate as he backed up suddenly.

And the third: I got boarded by another teammate who didn't see me there.

Somewhere my parents are reading this and my mother is hyperventilating.  But these are not malevolent guys.  They're just full-grown men with 30-60 pound advantages on me.  May the physics be never in my favor.

Maybe I should have prioritized equipment that I actually had to pay for.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Call Me Marla

It's Friday night and I'm attending a Cocaine Anonymous 12 Step meeting for a class assignment.

When I envisioned myself living out scenes from Fight Club, these were not the scenes I expected.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Friday, September 30, 2016

Music Dump: The F*ck Th!s Edition [NSFW]

It should evoke little surprise that a lot of my current playlists average out to F*ck This, F*ck That.  Just F*CK.

One of my best discoveries recently is the group Dorothy.  If I could run, I would run to them.  But I can't run and I'm still listening to them, which is a meaningful referendum in and of itself.

FYI: Links to videos all go to SFW Youtube videos, which are original content not allowed to be shared vis embed.

White Flag, by Joseph

I could surrender, but I'd
Just be pretending, no I'd
Rather be dead than live a lie
Burn the white flag

F*ck Apologies, by Jojo feat. Wiz Khalifa

And honestly I was just about to pick up the phone
And then I realized that I didn't do nothing wrong
So f*ck apologies
I would say I'm sorry if I really meant it


Sucker for Pain, by Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty Dolla $ign feat. X Ambassadors

If Corporate America cooked up a song's artist list perfectly designed to target me, Sucker for Pain represents 60-75% of a dead center hit.  It's only missing Adele, Florence, Rihanna, and Sia...or you know, any females.

But Lil Wayne's verse is straight art.

I'm devoted to destruction
A full dosage of detrimental dysfunction
I'm dying slow but the devil tryna rush me
See I'm a fool for pain, I'm a dummy
Might cut my head off right after I slit my throat
Tongue kiss a shark, got jealous bitches up in the boat
Eating peanut butter and jelly fishes on toast
And if I get stung I get stoked, might choke
Like I chewed a chunk of charcoal
Naked in the North Pole
That's why my heart cold, full of sorrow, the lost soul
And only Lord knows when I'm coming to the crossroads
So I don't fear shit but tomorrow
And I'm a sucker for pain, it ain't nothing but pain
You just fuckin' complain, you ain't tough as you claim
Just stay up in your lane, just don't fuck with Lil Wayne
I'mma jump from a plane or stand in front of a train
Cause I'm a sucker for pain


Way Down We Go, by Kaleo

Oh Father tell me, we get what we deserve
Oh we get what we deserve
And way down we go

Rise Up, by Andra Day

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again

Raise Hell, by Dorothy

Young blood, run like a river
Young blood, never get chained
Young blood, heaven need a sinner
You can't raise hell with a saint
Young blood, came to start a riot
Don't care what your old man say
Young blood, heaven hate a sinner
But we gonna raise hell 

Church Bells, by Carrie Underwood

Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee whiskey
No law man was ever gonna find
And how he died is still a mystery
But he hit a woman for the very last time
She could hear those church bells ringing, ringing

Missile, by Dorothy

Vengeance is a cold thing, baby
I serve it on a bed of flames
Still think you're a hard one, baby?
We'll see when the missile rains

And an added, non-vengeance bonus:

My Church, by Maren Morris

Can I get a hallelujah
Can I get an amen
Feels like the Holy Ghost running through ya
When I play the highway FM
I find my soul revival
Singing every single verse
Yeah I guess that's my church

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